Happiness is the state of being that energizes our behavior. Rav Nachman of Breslov says it's the most fundamental energy from which everything else emanates. When analyzed, happiness is a feeling of positivity, optimism and goodness within; it's a feeling. But how does one achieve it? Feelings, after all are not aspects of self that can simply be willed. The answer is that there are three other aspects of our experience that we are able to ‘will’ and when we do ‘will’ them with positivity, our feelings will follow en suit. They are: thoughts, words and actions. If we modulate these three dimensions and become more accustomed at engaging with them positively, then we will feel better within and be happier. Moreover, with a happier more positive energy within, this in turn will influence the very three faculties of thought, words and action themselves to create a feedback loop:
Positive TWA (thought, words and action) stimulates positive feelings within, which in turn influences TWA that in turn influence feelings, and so on and so forth. The aim is to learn better ways to think, speak and behave. The Torah is a remarkable guide with an entire system of mitzvos and rituals that target all three faculties so that through studying it, listening to its mussar, being inspired by its teachers, one automatically becomes stimulated to make changes and achieve the inner peace one desires. However, some people have a harder time implementing changes by themselves and so they need a helping hand. While a rav or rebbe can help sometimes, many people need a more ongoing therapy, a little like physical therapy, where the individual is being helped in a systematic way to move the body in new ways that may be uncomfortable at first but in time will become more natural. A therapist does this with TWA, by helping an individual(s) develop better ways to think, speak and behave. A therapist will also include a very important ingredient in the process too. Many times negative emotions are so locked in place that a preparatory and accompanying process of releasing them is also necessary. Some techniques include giving voice to the emotional experience, relaxation and meditation. We are blessed that built in to Torah life are these tools too. For traumatic experiences there is shiva and mourning which teaches us how to talk about our loss in a constructive way. For relaxation there is Shabbos and Yom Tov and for meditation there is tefilla. These are but a few examples of the therapeutic power of Torah. For a Jew an ideal therapist might be one who can apply the Torah's directives to all the above. Perhaps you would call it Torapy.
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My self worth is not based on what I have but how I use what I have, for what I have many not be unique to me, but how I use what I have is totally unique, because no tow people share in common the same struggles, the same natures, or the same people in their lives.
Approval from others is a satisfying experience. It makes us feel good and is very motivating. The trouble arises when approval becomes a pursuit and causes a neglect of personal and communal responsibilities.
Disapproval is even worse than not receiving approval. There are some people who are less expressive in offering approval and compliments, but they don’t necessarily express disapproval. There are others, however, who are critical and are vocal with disapproval. That’s even worse for the approval-hungry person. This doesn’t mean that a person should evade approval. If it comes, let it be a boost of confidence. Likewise, a person shouldn’t feel bad if he feels hurt and upset by disapproval; it’s normal and takes a whole new degree of skill and effort to overcome. What we are speaking about is the alteration of behavior in pursuit of approval or forestalling of disapproval. Our aim is to internalize, to the greatest degree possible, our convictions about what we believe in, what we need in life, what we wish for and what we are obliged to do. We must then not veer away from them at all in an effort to replace them with either the satisfaction of approval or the relief from disapproval. Applying this to relationships – marriage, parenting, or work – it would be prudent to be conscious of where one stands in the “Approval Pursuit vs. Giving” continuum. For instance, let’s say Sarah leans more toward approval seeking, while Dan towards approval/compliment insufficiency (i.e., not offering it so readily). The result: a perfect storm. Sarah, in her pursuit of approval from Dan and sensitivity to its lack may adjust her behavior and perhaps even her values in order to get the approval she craves for from Dan. Yet, Dan, seeing nothing lacking in his level of approval/complement-dispensing, doesn’t respond so readily to Sarah’s needs. This angers her and either drives her to expressing frustration or withdrawing from him. Either way, Dan feels even less inclined to offer approval and this will in turn infuriate Sarah still more, and the cycle goes on. We owe it ourselves to be aware of our respective tendencies, to see how it may be contributing to a negative dynamic in our relationships and begin to seek ways to change it. |
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